Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Two Square Rule

Long ago my Dad told Amy and me that we were, from then on, to be limited to two squares of toilet paper per use. Not three. Not four. Two. Two squares. I can't remember what we did to warrant a TP budget. I don't recall wasting it, or walking out of the bathroom with a half of a roll stuck to my shoe, or spinning the roll uncontrollably just for fun. I do remember that the two square rule was implemented way before we started Tee Peeing other people's houses, so that wasn't the problem. Dad's always been pretty frugal (remember Yellow Front?) but I can't believe that it was his way of making ends meet, so I always just chalked it up to a Men are from Mars thing. Anyway, two squares is hard. (Upcoming TMI) Sometimes there's #2 (every morning, actually, or the day just doesn't go right) and then there are those days that "Aunt Flo" visits. Impossible, right ladies? So the other day I checked into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath oceanfront condo (smokin' last minute deal on Craigslist) with Amy, Shana and her friend, Ali. We looked around and discovered just one roll of toilet paper. One roll for four people for three days. Amy did the math and freaked. We immediately fled to the store, explaining along the way to Ali our traumatic childhood two square experience. Also one of two girls, she said, "My Dad says the same thing!" Somehow that made me feel better. Once inside CVS, the negotiations began. Amy was sure that we would need at least a four pack. I was pretty sure that one or two rolls would do, but grabbed four just to keep the peace. She didn't want the pressure, she said. I can't remember the last time I lived more than 15 minutes from a Costco and their 16 roll Charmin packs which seems to have helped me successfully deal with the tissue issue, leaving the two square rule in the dust long ago. In order to get that kind of cost-effective toilet paper supply cushion in NYC, Amy needs to borrow a car for a half-day journey to the suburbs. Maybe that explains the stress, because on day two she presented me with an empty cardboard toilet paper roll. "See! It's all gone!"

We walked back to the store for another 4 pack. Just in case.


  1. I specifically recall roll-spinning and serious unwinding. I want to talk to Ali's father.