Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Book Club - One Touch of Scandal

Little Baby Jesus.
Cecily must have been cold up there running the Grand Canyon and picked One Touch of Scandal to give us all a little heat. Throw in Little Baby Jesus, a cookie exchange, a white elephant gift, a holiday poem and you've got December Book Club as the gang gathered in her stunning home, all wrapped and tied up with a big red bow, full of sweet treats, sipping Champagne through fancy candy cane straws, passing and trading and hiding the crazy gifts, collecting all of the homemade goodies to pack on some holiday pounds and watching Little Baby Jesus weave in and out of our hands, giving us a chance to say thanks, say glad you're back, say it's been a tough year, but it would have been worse without the book club, say you fit in no matter what, say we're lucky, lucky, lucky to make our own family, to have this history nobody can take away, nobody new can come in, nobody else can understand, say you fill up my life, you fill in the dash. Ho Ho Ho.

A few poems from the Divas...

What do a Priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
The balls are for decoration only!

Tis the season for holiday blessings
Can't zip my pants after all of that dressing
I filled my stockings with fudge packed thighs
Consumed in full after I got high
No date no man
No internet tease
Alone in bed
Only dildo to please
Blessed with friends that I hold dear
Better off than Santa
Who only comes once a year

I don’t need no fancy clothes
‘Cause I got friends with style
I don’t need to feel too sad
‘Cause my friends make me smile
I don’t need to think too much
‘Cause my friends are so wise
I don’t need to come in first
‘Cause my friends are my prize
I don’t need no fancy toys
‘Cause I got friends who share
 I don’t need to feel afraid
‘Cause I got friends who care
 But I do need Christmas cheer
And I know where it’s hiding
 Here with soul mate sister friends
To you I give great tidings!
There was a young Lass from the Valley
With husbands to many to tally
She'd wed 'em and bed 'em
Until she could shed 'em
And bid them adieu in the alley

There once was a Christmas Diva
Who looked like the Queen of Sheba
Her life was quite snappy
And she was so happy
Til that fateful day
When the king took her away
And now she feels really crappy

If I were 'ol Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump all the silly gifts given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth all the cracks
Til you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells
No sore feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles tight on your nose
Not a shot would you take in the you arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny
You'd never have headaches, no pills would you take
No heating pad needed since muscles won't ache
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be one cute chick with the romance of Cupid
I'd give you a lift when the wolves start to whistle
The joys of your heart would be light as a thistle
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see
I wish I could tell all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

(in progress)
I sit and think of Christmas past
The long and short shadows cast
Of wishes granted but mostly dashed
The small treasures I've amassed
Hold on to the good

Merry ?? Christmas
Merry    F#@&* n’   Christmas
And Kumba f#@&*n’ ya
Keep your saints and Angels
And your Hallelujahs’
Enough of phony photos
Of Happy family travels
We’re all baking cookies
While the crazy world unravels
Unemployment, deficits…
Afganistan, Korea
Politicians’ verbal crap
And Haiti’s diarrhea
No Matter how hard Santa tries
To be the guy that pleases
Don’t be fooled – BAD tidings rule
God save us Baby Jesus!

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