Insecure

It started with Home Depot. I got an email last week. You are a valued customer. You can trust us, but, we regret to inform you that some yahoo hacked into our system and stole lots of information. Probably just your email, maybe more. But remember, you are a valued customer. I remember the day I got that credit card, standing staring at a hot water heater while the guy in the orange apron (such a bad color on everybody, really) told me that if I signed up today I would get 30% off, zero interest for a year, free delivery and installation and a big party with cake and balloons and a marching band. My driver's license and every other card in my wallet wasn't enough for them to identify me, I needed to play 20 questions with some lady on the phone. She said, "Out of all of these streets, which one have you lived on?" Main, Portland, Belleview, 45th? Belleview! How about the following phone numbers? Which one have you used? Out of these restaurants, where have you worked? Denny's, Applebees, Chili's or TGI Fridays? She went on and on. She knew every place I have lived, where I have banked, all of my account numbers for the past 30 years. It was so creepy. Later last week I got another email. This one was from Victoria's Secret. You are a valued customer. You can trust us, but, we regret to inform you that some yahoo hacked into our system and stole lots of information. Probably just your email, maybe more. But remember, you are a valued customer. I got this card, as I recall, because Shana had just moved to Tucson and, you know, Mom, it would be so much easier for you, really, you know, if I had a card. Somehow undergarments didn't fit in the "use your own allowance" category. So now we've both got enough bras to last awhile, I get at least one big catalog a week and now my secret isn't safe anymore (36 long). Last bad news of the week (so far) was from Healthnet. Same thing, but worse. They hacked in and got it all and we are giving you a two year free subscription to some kind of personal information protection service. We're sorry. You are a valued customer.

If I'm so valuable, why doesn't anybody buy a better lock?